mental status

Life isn’t easy you know, especially when i try to make the most of it all the time. Traveling really fucks with my head and im at the point now where nothing’s clear...whats up…whats down…I haven’t a clue…I don’t believe a thing. People are always so jealous when tell them im going traveling, but they don’t even know…it aint no fucking cake walk out there…especially not in fucked up, poor as shit, super over populated countries like India, where its hard to even find something decent to eat. Its like going to these places and seeing how messed up and doomed the world is and then having to carry that burden around for the rest of your life isn’t easy…its down right fucking depressing is what it is…and then you have this guilt on top of it…cause everyone’s so jealous and you feel like you owe them something for all your misery and burdens and sicknesses.
I mean sure, I had plenty of good times traveling and im going to keep traveling cause im a curious person and im a photographer, so im always looking for something new, but it doesn’t mean im a happier person because of it or that its won me any friends or anything like that…in fact the opposite…I don’t think have more than a dozen left anymore…I mean real friends…people that actually fucking care…with all these vanishing acts and seemingly selfish ways…no one even knows who I am anymore…and especially not me.
Sure, im still a nice guy, and I always try to act cheerful and optimistic when people are around and say everything is great and all, but on the inside…the lake is drying up…ive lost my appetite…but at least im honest. My bodies been abused, my minds all confused… the only thing left to do now is try and keep on keeping on…maybe ill write a song and just keep moving along…life is really short and the end keeps getting closer…and the more I travel the faster ill find out where that is. You know i saw my reflection the other day…and seriously, i looked mad…sometimes its scary how close I get…looking over the edge…into the great expanse…its tempting…but im not there.
Its like, the people in india have no respect, they’ve trashed everything they can manage and nobody even cares…seriously…nobody…not even me…and I cant wait till were gone. learning all these things and seeing all these places just makes me callous…cause you have to be when your traveling or your not going to last…its like the greatest lesson ive learned is indifference…and how depressing is that. Its hard you know, meeting all these amazing people, seeing all these amazing places, and knowing youll never see them again…and its all just empty and its all just a memory and some pictures and a new more dismal perspective on the whole stinking mess of it. So speak to me not of jealousy…and figure it out for yourself…in the words of john lennon…”I found out”…and you can too. code